1. After sending two invoices for payment, I sent another and called the client when the receipt that they had received it came back.
CLIENT: Why are you calling me?
ME: You haven’t paid and this is the third invoice I’ve sent.
CLIENT: It’s even more than the last one!
ME: Yes. The contract you signed stated that I would add a late fee for payment.
CLIENT: You mean I have to actually pay you? I thought you were joking!
ME: What on earth made you think that?
CLIENT: You’re a freelancer!
CLIENT: Well, you work for free! If you were supposed to be paid, you’d be called a paidlancer or something!
2. “See if we can get the domain name ‘foogle.com’, that way we get all the people who misspell google. If that’s taken, try tahoo, gacebook or qwitter”
3. CLIENT: “I don’t mean to sound racist, but…”
ME: “But what?”
CLIENT: “But the site is too black.”
ME: “Like, literally too black?”
CLIENT: “Yes. The background is too black.”
ME: “That’s not racist. That has nothing to do with race.”
CLIENT: “Phew. I can never tell with you black people, what’s offensive and what’s not.”
ME: “I’m actually Lebanese. And, yeah, that one might be a bit racist”
4. “These stock images are way too expensive, please just remove the watermarks in Photoshop.”
5. “I don’t want the navigation or links on my website to be static. I want them to move around randomly like bees all over the site so my site’s visitors have to catch them if they really want to click on to the next page. It would be really cool if they could also randomly disappear and reappear in other parts of the page, too.”
6. “The problem with you college students is that you always expect to get paid for the work that you do.”
7. Designed a simple web banner for their etsy shop and a few days later…
Client: “The banner looks terrible its all fuzzy and you cant read it.”
Me: “That’s odd because I’m looking at your etsy shop now and it looks great.”
Client: ”No not that one, I also had it printed into a 1.5 meter long banner to hang over my stall at the market. Looks horrible!”
8. Client: ”Your rates are too high! I’ll do the design myself, and then you can do the implementation.”
Me: ”Okay, that’s fine, just send me the files when you’re finished.”
Client: ”Just one question- how many centimeters is a pixel?”
9. “You see, I don’t know what I like, I just know what I don’t like.”
10. “The only problem we have with the website is, when my friend loads it on his iPhone, it’s not as big as on the computer.”
11. “It looks like over time the submit button has begun to fade out a bit. Is it possible to upload a fresh button? I want all the buttons on my site to look new all the time.”
12. “Can we have some spare blank pages on the web site? Just so that we can fill it up later when we feel the need.”
13. Client: Hey, just one final question before I send the deposit. Do you use a PC or a MAC?
Me: I use a MAC.
Client: That is a problem. Do you have access to a PC? I am not a supporter of Apple products.
Me: No, I don’t have access to a PC, but this will have little to no effect on the work itself.
Client: I am a Christian and Apple products are sinful, I do not want our website to be created by a product made by this corrupt group. You need only look at their logo, an apple with a bite taken from it. Do you not know the story of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden? If I allowed you to create my website on a MAC I would be just like Adam, taking a bite of the forbidden fruit.
“Take my advise, destroy your mac and repent for when judgement day comes. It shall be you who is cast to hell for your sins.”
Me: [Block Contact]
14. The client sent me two word documents with the same content, for me to use on the website.
ME: Both the documents have the same content. Am I missing something?
CLIENT: Use the second document. The font is smaller
15. I had a client standing over my shoulder, watching me design a logo. After a few minutes…
CLIENT: Um… can you click faster?
16. After the client asked specifically for cool colors…
CLIENT: Can you put some cool reds in there?
ME: Red is usually considered very warm.
ME: Any colour can be cool, with the right attitude.
17. Client: ”Can you make the ‘About Us’ link say ‘About Us – Everyone welcome’?”
Me: “Sure, but…why?”
Client: ”I’m afraid people might not know they’re allowed to click that link. They might think it’s private. We need them to know it’s okay for them to go there.”
Me: ”But none of the links on your site are private. Why are you concerned with that specific one?”
Client: “Good point. You’d better add ‘Everyone welcome’ to all the links on the site.”
18. CLIENT: Should I send the logo as jpg or jpeg?
ME: Send it wtf.
CLIENT: What’s that?
ME: I’m joking with you, send it as a png.
CLIENT: Nice try, but I’m not that stupid.
19. “Please email me back the file. I sent you the only copy I have.”
20. CLIENT: Can our customers visit our website while they’re in our restaurant?
ME: Of course, they can visit the website on their smartphone or laptop. Does your restaurant have WiFi available for customers?
CLIENT: No, not yet. But maybe you can put WiFi on our website?